yoda bitch

as i sit and ponder about everything- i feel it is time to once again spread my wings.
the long search for love and stability continues as my journey begins.
voices are constantly growing as i fly back and forth and around- finding new muses..
finding new hope...finding new peace of mind that always gets ruined.
Ive figured it out today while playing in my spinach salad- how can i expect others to give me
what i wont give to strangers? Ive broke down mentally, and picked each part of my brain apart. this isnt right- this isnt love.
ive contradict my every thought, with my actions and bashed myself for what i cannot help.
you've grew me into this person- this feather that just sways and flops.
you've never told me about life,
youve never told me my worth-
youve watched me tarnished it - than hide it- than lock it up than find it..polish it and fly.
youve never been there as you should of- im sick of wondering why. yes you say this and you say that- if you break it down who is to blame. im mealy a mirror image of what ive seen all my life- you, your inner self you hide so much. the woman who once wanted to paint and draw, and wear her hair wild. it kills you to see me, living and being just who you wanted. i refuse to ever conform into you- i shall follow my heart.
as i go.
the wind blows north.
honestly - frankly im sick of the lies.
im simply a young girl searching for her family, i want in on my cold blooded Chinese Jamaican roots, i want to be apart of the chin clan like i once was. why must me - being this person keep me from this circle.
ive tried drinking
iver tried smoking
ive tried pills- im way to good for the white
ive tried men. in all shapes and sizes, colors and morals.
still nothing-
im tried of lying.
im simply searching for something that cant come about so ive decided to stop trying.
i forgive you both- for not wanting me in.
for taking my signs of anger as craziness, instead of cries for help.
i forgive you for not calling me on thanksgivings and Christmas, i forgive you for not calling on my 21st. I forgive you both for the times when i needed you the most, i forgive you for the times when i asked for ramen because i had nothing to eat- i forgive you for watching me have no where to sleep. i forgive you for not looking at me and seeing me as family i forgive you all. and you all please have a blessedly peaceful life.

craziness is mentioned when my name is called-
this is why i tick and rock like no other female.
for i am an artist - and like all greats- we have problems.
what good is expressing yourself when shit is perfect.
forever hungry- for love.
forever hurting good people because they aren't them.
i pray to forgive, each day i take as it comes...
one at a time.. one at a time...
i can only move into the direction which is right-
no more left turns.

LOVE IT ahahahaaa- how im feelin on FRIDAY at 6;19 pm

1. What was the highlight of your week? when i woke up and felt happy
2. Whose car were you in last? diamond in the backkk
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? i have no ideal
4. What color shirt are you wearing? blueeee
5. How long is your hair? 9 inches whootwhoot- that loser is making my hair grow. talking badly bout meee smh
6. Are you good looking? i think so. yeaah
7. Last movie you watched? ohhh umm!!!! getting over sarah marshall lol
8. Who were you with? likkle amyaa
9. Last thing you ate?marshmellows shhhh
10. Last thing you drank? black ice tea
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? wow- three years ago.
12. Who came over last? some dude whos hair i doo
13. Are you happy right now? VERY
14. What did you say last? MANNN
15. Where is your phone? on my bed
16. What color are your eyes? dark brown
(i just couldnt keep clicking the pink sorry guys)
17. Are you left-handed? yes !!
18. Spell your name without vowels:nopeeee
19. Do you have any pets? shes a pit
20. Favorite Vacation? JAMAICA
21. What do you dislike currently? THE DOUBTS
22. What are you listening to? COMMON
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? i would have world peace.
24. What is your favorite scent? baby powder
25. Who makes you happiest? GOD
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? on the phone
27. When is your birthday? AUG 13TH OWWWW
28. Who has the same phone as you? this guy who is funny- chinese jamaican..
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? wowww-- longg agoo
30. Do you read your horoscope? yes
31. Where was the last place you bought something? today when i bought lunch
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? i love it- its soo long and pretty
33. Do you bite your nails? nopeee
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? yes i do- lol thanks
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery? lol only two pieces
36. Myspace or facebook? facebook
37. How fast have you driven a car? 110 =]
38. Have you ever smoked? yea
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? history - love the lies lol
40. Do you have Verizon? nooo
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? i fall for the odd ball because im soo strange, the guy who has his own mind- who can understand my connection to this world..and my purpose for life. which is love- and feeling pain...which is love.
42. Do you have any hidden talents? i can cook
43. Favorite Song? bob marley- dont rock myyy boat
44. Do you like to sing at all? i love it
45. Dream Job? painting in a studio in the city- just mee and huuge windows everywhere..
and owlong teas- and moon cakes.. yeah im really half chinese you posers!
46. Where does most of your family live? jamaica- and london
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? siblings. four- two boys two girls.
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? noooo
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? another day.. soo sad hes doing this to real love- THANK GOD IM ALIVE
50. Do you drink? NO. i dont smoke no moree eitherrr
51. Know any other languages? im picking up chinese this summer =]
52. Ever write a coded message? yess i have lol
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? nopeee
54. Do you have any children? nopeeeeeeee welllll ummmmmmm ahhhhhhhhhhhh
55. Did you take a nap today? noooooooooo= it was on my mind while studying
56. Who has the same birthday as you? didnt i answer this
57. Ever met anyone famous before? THE LADY WHO SINGS THE ELECTRIC SLIDE
58. Do you want to be famous one day? YES
59. Any Pet Peeves? people who have to much pride to let go and 4give.
60. Are you multitasking right now? yes iam
61. Do you like Britany Spears? LOVE HER- good days bad days- lovee lovee love her
62. What is your least favorite chore? i dont like trash
63. Last place you drove your car? as frenzy says- owwwwwwwwwwww
64. Ever been out of the country? yeaahhh
65. Where were you born? canada, some small islands, jamaica- going to london yeahh
66. Could you handle being in the military? nooo
67. What is your average cell phone bill? 60$
68. Who are you thinking about right now? well- i just got a hair app for tonight..soo the money
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? ummmm- today..im always laughing
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? wow- i think im going strong. cant let it out mann
71. Are your toes always painted? clear
72. How many piercings do you have? four
73. What are you doing today? making money and studying- soo i can make more money
74. Have you ever been gambling? latly with my life- juxx juxx juxx and tokens llmaoo
75. When is the last time you updated your page? what page, this blog. once a year
76. Do you like rollercoasters? nope
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? yeahh
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? salior moon and hello kitty
79. Last thing you cooked? i cooked fried rice
80. How's the weather? its nicceee
81. Do you e-mail? all the time
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? ohh shit i paint it all the timee
83. Last time you were sick? hahahaaa
84. What states have you lived in? GA NYC FL
85. Do you wish you could move? yes i dooo
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes? nopeeeeeeeeeeee
87. What is your dream car? my dream car is a LS 430 white- blk insides...no rims. owww
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? nopeeee
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? i would be with my daddy like the good old days laughing in his benz- getting money to buy sneakers and get my nails done.
90. Are you happy with your life? VERYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

im not in the mood to speak to anyoneee...

http://www.imeem.com/jukeboxmusic12/music/_4FIQzwN/lauryn_hill_featuring_carlos_santana_to_zion/

jammingg....

im taking a break from facebook, and aim..maybe even human contact... i dont feel like talking to anybody really..im kind of hurt- yet i cant be sad when im so extremely happy, God has chosen me to be something much much bigger than what iam now! I fully take my responsibilities and act on them now, as i plan for the gift im receiving- im doing it alone. and im not even watching that.

theeohmy@hotmail.com you can contact me via email. i will be turning off cell.

i keep getting back to back phone calls when i need my rest. plus i need to really talk to my books, the CNA test in is Jan.

i know people take certain things other ways, but when something as serious as this goes down- and you claim love, this should not be handled like this. and certain words should never be said- nor felt. and if i claim to love you God like, its merciful. pass actions before i woke up and decided to fully live in my conscience mind, nothing should not be held against me.