yoda bitch

as i sit and ponder about everything- i feel it is time to once again spread my wings.
the long search for love and stability continues as my journey begins.
voices are constantly growing as i fly back and forth and around- finding new muses..
finding new hope...finding new peace of mind that always gets ruined.
Ive figured it out today while playing in my spinach salad- how can i expect others to give me
what i wont give to strangers? Ive broke down mentally, and picked each part of my brain apart. this isnt right- this isnt love.
ive contradict my every thought, with my actions and bashed myself for what i cannot help.
you've grew me into this person- this feather that just sways and flops.
you've never told me about life,
youve never told me my worth-
youve watched me tarnished it - than hide it- than lock it up than find it..polish it and fly.
youve never been there as you should of- im sick of wondering why. yes you say this and you say that- if you break it down who is to blame. im mealy a mirror image of what ive seen all my life- you, your inner self you hide so much. the woman who once wanted to paint and draw, and wear her hair wild. it kills you to see me, living and being just who you wanted. i refuse to ever conform into you- i shall follow my heart.
as i go.
the wind blows north.
honestly - frankly im sick of the lies.
im simply a young girl searching for her family, i want in on my cold blooded Chinese Jamaican roots, i want to be apart of the chin clan like i once was. why must me - being this person keep me from this circle.
ive tried drinking
iver tried smoking
ive tried pills- im way to good for the white
ive tried men. in all shapes and sizes, colors and morals.
still nothing-
im tried of lying.
im simply searching for something that cant come about so ive decided to stop trying.
i forgive you both- for not wanting me in.
for taking my signs of anger as craziness, instead of cries for help.
i forgive you for not calling me on thanksgivings and Christmas, i forgive you for not calling on my 21st. I forgive you both for the times when i needed you the most, i forgive you for the times when i asked for ramen because i had nothing to eat- i forgive you for watching me have no where to sleep. i forgive you for not looking at me and seeing me as family i forgive you all. and you all please have a blessedly peaceful life.

craziness is mentioned when my name is called-
this is why i tick and rock like no other female.
for i am an artist - and like all greats- we have problems.
what good is expressing yourself when shit is perfect.
forever hungry- for love.
forever hurting good people because they aren't them.
i pray to forgive, each day i take as it comes...
one at a time.. one at a time...
i can only move into the direction which is right-
no more left turns.